Let's be real superficial for a hot second or two.

When you feel like a hot-mess, shit-show, freaking basket case of a horrible train wreck, it's a huge plus to look like you've got your shit together. Emphasis on the look like part. Because if I'm being shallow honest, it's easier to fake being/feeling well if I don't have strangers (or my mom) telling me how horrible I look or asking me if I'm okay. 

In the spirit of being transparent, I'm going to get real shallow. Here are my flare up tips to fake it til you make it.

Life with a Chronic Illness: learning to exhale

inhale  A N D  exhale. 

It seems so simple which is the irony. I have been holding my breath the past 3 months and I'm finally noticing I need to exhale. 

Life with a Chronic Illness: against all hope, in hope believe

Two days ago, I shared some thoughts on the post Life with a Chronic Illness: sometimes I don't recognize myself. Blogging or word vomit as I like to call it is one way that I process life. It had been a rough week and my mind was a whirl. When I shared the blog post, I knew that I felt desperate, but I did not know that I also felt hopeless.

This became evident when a friend asked challenged me by asking

"But would you accept a cure?"

and I replied

"I would I just have zero hope there is one."

Life with a Chronic Illness: sometimes I don't recognize myself

Sometimes I don't recognize myself.

Right now is one of those times.

I hate this version of me. I hate that my illness is taking up more space in my life. I hate that it's becoming more difficult to hide, more difficult to ignore, more difficult to function.

Dear Body, I hate you but thank you...

I'm going to take a wild guess that most of you have never heard of dysautonomia or autonomic nervous disorders. I'll even venture to say most of you may not even know what your autonomic nervous system is or does. It's only mildly important as in it controls/regulates one's heart rate, blood pressure, body temperature, breathing yadda yadda yadda. Don't feel too bad though. I had never heard of it prior to being diagnosed with two forms of dysautonomia (neurocardiogenic syncope & inappropriate sinus tachycardia). If you're wanting more information on dysautonomia you can read this past blog post what the *bleep* is dysautonomia

Anywho October is Dysautonomia Awareness month, which has forced me to do some reflection. Living with dysautonomia the past two year has been a bit of a whirlwind. I have had to learn (the hard way cause I'm stubborn) that there is no black and white with autonomic disorders. It's all grey.

what the *bleep* is dysautonomia | part one

oh I've thought it many many times since being diagnosed with dysautonomia which was over a year ago. after countless doctors appointments, lots of research, and talking with other individuals who have dysautonomia, I (sorta kinda maybe) have a grasp on it. anywho here goes nothing.

Living Not Fighting with Dysautonomia

I stumbled across this amazingly sarcastic and hilarious blog LetsFeelBetter last week and one of her recent blog posts really resonated with me. I would encourage you to check it out if you have a chronic illness or know someone who has one. The blog post is called Five Ways You're Not "Living" with Chronic Illness Here's a little peek of what lead to another ah-ha moment for me.   

4. You’re Not Living with Chronic Illness if You’re “Fighting” It

Chronic Illness is not cancer. You don’t “fight” it. You don’t “beat” it. You don’t make a voodoo doll out of it and start stabbing it with acupuncture needles. In the same way we don’t use the word “cure” to mean “treat’ we can’t use the word “fight” to mean “deal with.” Don’t head-butt your disease, outsmart it.

shopping with Nans

I've always loved shopping. like a lot. probably too much actually. my senior year of high school I went to the mall every single week and I pretty much always came home with at least one bag. in college I went on a shopping fast for an entire summer. of course bills and being an "adult" have helped my shopping compulsion to calm down. but I still love a shopping adventure. 

I also want to introduce you all to a lovely friend. Nans is a bit psychotic and unpredictable and very needy. oh and I can't ever get away from her. Sounds like a great friend right?! yes I am talking about my autonomic disorder. Nans is the short and sweet nickname for my (naughty) autonomic nervous system. 

in the pursuit of happiness & health

"I'm so sick of trying things..." 

and I meant it. I was frustrated and defeated. I was ready to wave the white flag. it didn't really seem to matter if I did everything that anyone and everyone suggested - I could barely function most days. I was faking feeling good most of the time so that I could have a life. and so I sent that text to my mom. 

that particular night I was mad because if it wasn't one symptom it was another. I had traded constant dizziness for constant nausea. that day I had been so excited the nausea eased up enough for me to eat dinner. chicken, a baked potato, and corn on the cob to be exact. except then I started having horrible chest pain. before you start freaking out (the words "chest pain" make anyone freak - trust me I'm a cardiac nurse) let me assure you I've been having chest pain for over a year. it's not real chest pain in the sense that I don't have any blockages in my coronary arteries but goodness gracious fake chest pain hurts. that night i was wondering how did my normal include nausea and chest pain?! 

celebrate the small victories

i had all these grand plans of getting caught up on blog posts since i've been stuck at home the last month but turns out when simple things are hard work blog posts aren't a priority. anywho it's been almost six weeks since i had a major flare up of my autonomic disorder and i think it's safe to (finally) say i'm feeling better.

its so easy to be thankful for health when I'm feeling great. i distinctly remember praying a few days before my flare up and asking God to help me be thankful even when i don't feel great. oh the irony.   

naughty autonomic nervous system

i am very convinced that my autonomic nervous system has the personality and temperament of a two year old which is why i'm seriously considering giving it a name.  

just today i've already said the following. i have no idea what it wants from me?! it's decided that it's going to be pissed off no matter what i do. i think it's still sulking. it's just acting up. it of course being my naughty autonomic nervous system.   

anyways so-and-so had a nasty little temper tantrum Monday night (conveniently) while i was at work. on the cardiac floor. oh the irony. i was even wearing my new glasses. so rude. anyways not too long into my shift i started feeling really warm which progressed to getting really dizzy and then feeling like i was going to pass out. my heart rate was going 140-160. a little too fast. before i knew it i was in a wheelchair and headed to ER. 

adjustments & adjusting

I've learned that I still have a lot to learn.

- Maya Angelou

silly me. i keep thinking that i've got it all figured out and can move on to the next thing. i don't even really know what "it" is. i mean it can't be life cause that would be totally hilarious and ridiculous if i really thought i had life figured out right?! 

anywho. I've become a chiropractor junkie. in my previous life i was always very skeptical of them. seemed like a scam. i imagined that they were all creepy, greasy old men who wanted your money as well as to do weird things to your spinal cord. i also imagined that you would puke every time you got adjusted. and there was a good possibility they might break your neck and you would be paralyzed for life. i'm quite the rational person.   

{re} focus | {re} adjust

a lot of little things have happened since my last post the new (ab)normal  

Aaron and I moved back to Nebraska. Omaha won the low altitude competition {1,090 ft vs 6,035ft}. we are currently living with my parents while we regroup which means lots of snuggle time with Jack. I have taught him how to eat food off of utensils & drink iced coffee from a cup. he's a genius. I am going to a chiropractor three times a week to help my dysfunctional autonomic system function at it's full dysfunctional capacity.

the new (ab)normal

August has been weird. 

six doctor appointments. a 48 hour holter monitor. a tilt table test. being told i'm stressed. over a week stuck in bed. ridiculous amounts of salt and water. too many medication changes. and the most amazing combinations of horrid symptoms.