Life with a Chronic Illness: against all hope, in hope believe

Two days ago, I shared some thoughts on the post Life with a Chronic Illness: sometimes I don't recognize myself. Blogging or word vomit as I like to call it is one way that I process life. It had been a rough week and my mind was a whirl. When I shared the blog post, I knew that I felt desperate, but I did not know that I also felt hopeless.

This became evident when a friend asked challenged me by asking

"But would you accept a cure?"

and I replied

"I would I just have zero hope there is one."

Zero hope. 

I think that's the most honest I've allowed myself to be up to this point.

Yesterday morning, I was struggling in every sense. I showered [showering is one of the hardest things to do thanks to my dysfunctioning autonomic system on a good day let alone on a bad day]. I felt like I was going to pass out. I was so short of breath trying to get my hair fixed, make up on and an outfit picked out. I had to keep laying down to take rest breaks. I felt defeated. And then this phrase popped into my mind.

Against all hope. 

What does that even mean? I've been asking myself that the past 24 hours. Right now, I think it means permission (to myself) to say that yes my circumstances feel hopeless. But there is more.

Against all hope, in hope believe.

I'm not sure what this looks like - believing and hoping when it seems there is no hope but that's what I am trying to do. Today is day 7 of this medication experiment and I cautiously admit that I feel the best I have since starting. The reality is I have spent most of the day in bed or on the couch but my symptoms are not as intense as they have been. I was able to eat a couple bites for breakfast. I washed some dishes. I took a nap. And I'm even thinking about cleaning. I'm not worried about ending up in the emergency department and I don't feel like I'm dying. Like I said, this is the best I have felt. Don't worry I haven't lost my sarcastic side!

So cheers to hoping and believing! Cheers to figuring out what it means to against all hope, in hope believe.

* * * * *

A huge thank you to each person who has reached out to say they were hoping, believing and praying with and for me. Being surrounded by the best support team brings such strength and a willingness to keep moving forward in spite of what my health does or does not do. Thanks for doing life with me... It's a beautiful and messy journey!! 

Also side note, this phrase comes from Romans 4:18 "Against all hope, Abraham in hope believed..."