talking about the taboo | part two | a discussion about miscarriage

| it's not forgetting that heals it's remembering |

the months after we lost our baby i wanted to simply forget. i thought that by forgetting maybe i could erase the hurt. i thought that forgetting would be easier. it was harder. 


remembering is getting easier. i still vacillate between bitterness & sadness when i think about miscarrying and joy & love when i think about those few weeks i was pregnant. revisiting and remembering initiated healing. and led to wanting to acknowledge and remember the precious life i love and miss.

baby february's story. July 1, 2012 we saw two pink lines and we were completely in love. we were going to be parents. 

i loved resting my hands on my  tummy. i was totally convinced there was already a little baby bump. naps were a daily requirement. daddy loved scolding you for making mommy so sick. morning sickness was more like all-freaking-day sickness. sometimes all we ate were saltines and 7UP. when you did decide it was okay for mom to eat real food you were very particular. BBQ bacon cheese burgers {only from 5 Guys}. broccoli cheddar soup + salad {from Panera} rice bowls + chips {had to be Chipotle & dad had to stir it up in a different room so i couldn't smell it}. steakburgers {had to be Freddy's}. the day we found out you liked peanut butter and jelly sandwiches was exciting. of course that only lasted a few days. i couldn't cook or be in the kitchen. really weren't a fan of the heat. being outside was quite tricky. 

all of this didn't matter because we loved you.

you were soooo very loved by others. Aunt Genai & Uncle Joel brought over your first official presents. there were 3 cards with instructions for mommy and daddy. you got a sweet pair of tennis shoes, the cutest sandals, and a yellow giraffe. Grandma T was already stocking up on baby stuff. She even got you a little zebra. everyone was so excited.  

we couldn't stop thinking about you. we prayed for your future and that we would be great parents. aaron was already hoping for a future musician and I was hoping you would like sports BUT no matter what we knew we would love you with all our hearts. we could not have been more happy. 

July 18th was the first baby appointment. 1 doppler and 2 ultrasounds later there was no heartbeat and no embryonic pole. the gestational sac was only measuring at 6 weeks. we had estimated that you were about 10 weeks at that time. i couldn't pray. i couldn't hope. i felt sick. i felt numb.  

a week later a follow-up ultrasound confirmed there wouldn't be a baby in February. a month after we found out I was pregnant I had a D&C {dilation and curettage} emotionally i didn't think i could just wait to miscarry naturally at home.  

| then one by one we let things go... until all we have left is a deeper sense of the value of life & a greater capacity to live it | 

losing my february baby was a horrible experience but one that i have learned from. i am thankful for those few weeks because i had a glimpse of how much one loves their child. love is a powerful emotion. this love left a significant mark on my heart and life.  

it's been a year and there is a lot that i still do not know or understand. but there are also some things that I do know. that you were very very loved. that you were precious. that you will always be remembered.

    

we still love and miss you. and we can't wait to see you and hold you one day. love mom & dad. 

{click here to read talking about the taboo | part three}