talking about the taboo | part one | a discussion about miscarriage

Monday, July 22, 2013

| love always leaves a significant mark |

we [as a society] do not talk about it. we ignore it. pretend it didn't happen. but it does happen. and it did happen to us last year. 

miscarriage. why is it so taboo to talk about miscarriage?

I believe that there are invisible social & personal barriers around miscarriage. death is difficult to talk about. miscarriage is worse. when we avoid topics {both parties avoid talking about miscarriage} it becomes awkward. i didn't know how to talk about it and others didn't know how to respond. rather than stumble through the conversation together. i was silent. others were silent.  


silence isolates. silent grief sucks. but we are forced to grieve alone and quietly because we do not talk about it. the silence and secrecy reinforce the divide. whether we intend it to or not it does.    

| sometimes they [tears] are the best words 
the heart can speak |    

all the reasons and all the statistics in the world didn't matter. what mattered to me was those individuals who were willing to grieve with me. it mattered more than any words or conversations. what was impactful and appreciated was simply their presence. to my family and friends that cried with me, that listened to my anger and confusion, and that remembered with me. thank you. 

| unless we learn to grieve we may need to live
life at a distance |

Heidi was the nurse practitioner covering for my OBGYN when the test results came back. I was sitting in the office on a chair. Aaron was on the bench. She came in and sat on a stool so she could see both of us. my automatic reply was "it's okay" and she replied "no it's not" that acknowledgment was validation. the miscarriage mattered. i could rather i needed to grieve. and she agreed that this sucked.


grieving is a learning process. it's strange but it is a conscious decision. it doesn't come naturally. we tend to run from grief.  

silent grief doesn't work very well. i didn't know what to do about my loss so i was very angry. angry that other people were having babies. angry that my greatest fear had become a reality. angry that everyone else was happy.    

a year later i do not believe that such loss or such grief should be hidden. silent grief is immobilizing. it was very difficult for me to grieve. few people knew that I was pregnant so few people knew i miscarried. everybody else went on with their life. i felt stuck. I couldn't just forget but I didn't know how to remember. I am learning how to.  

i have had some ah-ha moments while talking with people about the miscarriage and journaling and really spending some time thinking about it. 

| in the depths of every wound we have survived is the strength we need to live; the wisdom our wounds can offer us is a place of refuge |

I want to live transparently {as much as possible} and sometimes that means being honest at a later point. this last year has been full of many emotions {anger, bitterness, sadness, doubt, elation, love, hurt} and questions {most starting with why}. recently i decided to revisit this hurt and truly grieve ad truly remember. and now i am ready to share. 

| hiding from suffering only makes us more afraid |

I think sometimes we need permission to talk about taboo topics. I'm thankful for certain people who have given me that freedom. I am giving myself that freedom.  I am saying this as much to myself as to others... it's okay to talk about miscarriage. 
Talking about the Taboo | Part One | a discussion about miscarriage

in bold are some quotes that have made an impact on me this past year. they have encouraged me and provided me with words when I didn't have any. Sometimes we don't know how to say what we are feeling... and that is why I love quotes. Please feel free to comment or ask questions or post your own thoughts/experience. I would love to dialogue and hear from you :) 


8 comments:

  1. Although it was 52 years ago, I remember feeling so alone when I miscarried. My husband was overseas. My mother, who was a nurse, talked about the baby only being a fetus, not really a baby :( And like you stated, most around me offered cliches or said nothing. It was like there was an elephant in he room that no one wanted to mention. Thank you for sharing your thoughts.

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    1. Judith ~ thank you for commenting! I've spoke with other moms who have lost babies and I don't think you every forget! I struggled with wanting to just reduce the baby to something else (at the time it seemed easier to pretend it wasn't a baby) BUT I think it is so important to call it what it is... even the term miscarriage seems distant and unfeeling. I'm so sorry that you have also lost a baby... I pray and hope for healing for you! It is so refreshing and freeing to not have an elephant in the room any more! blessings :)

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  2. Anonymous22.7.13

    Again LeeAnn your brilliance is seen and a light shines. To all those who have acknowledged their miscarriage and for those who still suffer in silence. May your words and thoughts be their comfort

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    1. thank you so much for your kind words! :)

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  3. LeeAnn and Aaron, I'm so sorry to hear about your loss. I'm sorry you were going through such a difficult time and I wasn't aware that you could have used prayers. Prayers for comfort, acceptance, strength to get you through this difficult time. Know that you have those prayers now. I realize there were people who knew and gave you support, thank God for those people being there for you two. Know that there are many who care and want only the best for you. But when you are going through difficult times, we are here to help in whatever way we can, if only to offer a listening ear and prayers for comfort. God Bless, and with Love. Aunt Deb :)

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    1. Deb ~ thanks for commenting on this blog post and thank you for your prayers now! They are greatly appreciated... We both know that healing is a process so while there are good days now I am sure there will be bad days as well! We are so grateful for amazing friends and family who continue to offer prayer, support, and love! We are happy that we have arrived at a point where we are able to share about the miscarriage... and grateful that it only took a year! love you and the rest of the aunts! :)

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    2. LeeAnn and Aaron, I too am so sorry to hear about you going through this great loss of your baby! We love you both so much and will be praying you through as you continue to greive, but also be praising God for those happy moments as they come! As children of our loving Father, we look forward to meeting your precious one when we get to heaven! May you take comfort in that hope we have in Jesus! If there is any way at all we can help you both, never hesitate to call! Love and prayers, Aunt Marci

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    3. Marci ~ thank you for your prayers & love! :) it's been such an encouragement to read everyone's comments... being surrounded by people who love us is wonderful!

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