talking about the taboo | part one | a discussion about miscarriage

| love always leaves a significant mark |

we [as a society] do not talk about it. we ignore it. pretend it didn't happen. but it does happen. and it did happen to us last year. 

miscarriage. why is it so taboo to talk about miscarriage?

I believe that there are invisible social & personal barriers around miscarriage. death is difficult to talk about. miscarriage is worse. when we avoid topics {both parties avoid talking about miscarriage} it becomes awkward. i didn't know how to talk about it and others didn't know how to respond. rather than stumble through the conversation together. i was silent. others were silent.  

silence isolates. silent grief sucks. but we are forced to grieve alone and quietly because we do not talk about it. the silence and secrecy reinforce the divide. whether we intend it to or not it does.    

| sometimes they [tears] are the best words 

the heart can speak |    

all the reasons and all the statistics in the world didn't matter. what mattered to me was those individuals who were willing to grieve with me. it mattered more than any words or conversations. what was impactful and appreciated was simply their presence. to my family and friends that cried with me, that listened to my anger and confusion, and that remembered with me. thank you. 

| unless we learn to grieve we may need to live

life at a distance |

Heidi was the nurse practitioner covering for my OBGYN when the test results came back. I was sitting in the office on a chair. Aaron was on the bench. She came in and sat on a stool so she could see both of us. my automatic reply was "it's okay" and she replied "no it's not" that acknowledgment was validation. the miscarriage mattered. i could rather i needed to grieve. and she agreed that this sucked.

grieving is a learning process. it's strange but it is a conscious decision. it doesn't come naturally. we tend to run from grief.  

silent grief doesn't work very well. i didn't know what to do about my loss so i was very angry. angry that other people were having babies. angry that my greatest fear had become a reality. angry that everyone else was happy.    

a year later i do not believe that such loss or such grief should be hidden. silent grief is immobilizing. it was very difficult for me to grieve. few people knew that I was pregnant so few people knew i miscarried. everybody else went on with their life. i felt stuck. I couldn't just forget but I didn't know how to remember. I am learning how to.  

i have had some ah-ha moments while talking with people about the miscarriage and journaling and really spending some time thinking about it. 

| in the depths of every wound we have survived is the strength we need to live; the wisdom our wounds can offer us is a place of refuge |

I want to live transparently {as much as possible} and sometimes that means being honest at a later point. this last year has been full of many emotions {anger, bitterness, sadness, doubt, elation, love, hurt} and questions {most starting with why}. recently i decided to revisit this hurt and truly grieve ad truly remember. and now i am ready to share. 

| hiding from suffering only makes us more afraid |

I think sometimes we need permission to talk about taboo topics. I'm thankful for certain people who have given me that freedom. I am giving myself that freedom.  I am saying this as much to myself as to others... it's okay to talk about miscarriage. 

in bold are some quotes that have made an impact on me this past year. they have encouraged me and provided me with words when I didn't have any. Sometimes we don't know how to say what we are feeling... and that is why I love quotes. Please feel free to comment or ask questions or post your own thoughts/experience. I would love to dialogue and hear from you :) 

{click here to read talking about the taboo | part two}