talking about the taboo | part three | a discussion about miscarriage

  | life can only be understood backwards but it must be lived forwards |

i don't really care for statistics about miscarriage except they do illuminate how frequent miscarriages occur. numbers are revealing. more women walk around with this secret that we know. 

According to the American Pregnancy Association, miscarriage is the most common type of pregnancy loss. in fact 10-25% of pregnancies end up in a miscarriage. one in four. 

when we miscarriaged  i doubted. i blamed. i lost hope. i was angry. i was hurt. i felt alone. grief is powerful. it can be immobilizing but it can also lead to healing. if i could say something to myself i would say be willing to share. and i would ask that others would be willing to listen. I mentioned silent grief before. i believe that life is meant to be lived in community. even sharing at this point has been a source of strength, love, acceptance, truth, and healing for aaron and i. 

| you are a beautiful mess. you are the melody |  

as I go through life I am more aware and convinced of how little I know about life. living life with open hands is difficult. why is it so hard to give up control and my plans? why do i constantly find myself needing to give control up again? 

part of giving up control is accepting how life goes. according to my plans I would have a 5 month old baby right now. I wouldn't have had the past 5 months of health problems. I wouldn't have had open heart surgery. there's a lot that i would have chosen to avoid this past year. but life did happen. and not how i expected.   

of course i've tried to figure out the whys of miscarrying but i don't think there is an answer that i would understand or that would make it better. i've stopped trying to figure it out and there is a peace {that passes all understanding} that comes along with letting go.   

there were so many times my strength failed. there were many moments that i did not know. i truly do not know now. and that's okay. i am content to not know. i am content to continue embracing life. i am content to continue learning. 

| continue to dream big, live small, love loudly, interrupt injustice and surprise the world with grace |   

thank you for reading and for sharing in our story. life is messy and crazy and lovely. as we stumble through life we learn and it is a privilege to share our life with you. i would ask that you would be willing to dialogue about difficult topics such as miscarriage. not knowing how to respond or what to say is okay. when it happens no one knows what to say. please ask me questions if you have any and feel free to share your own stories. we have discovered that truth and transparency are freeing.