I can't even tell you how many times [today] I have read this article How they see us since I stumbled across it sitting in Walmart's parking lot while Aaron grabbed some shredded cheese, bread, and a frozen pizza.
Someone had found words, sentences, and meaning to what has been on my mind/heart (especially) this past month. how freeing. i had to share.
"Death does not unmake a mother... There are no parenting books, no theories on how to parent a dead child. But we still parent. We just make it all up, each day, as we go along, hurting and healing."
and then I read this section.
"We remember. We remember all the time. We remember the love. Also, the pain. That odd quality we have about us... it's because we have something special. We have extra love in our hearts. Love that can't translate into choosing the safest rear-facing car seat, so it becomes love that wonders and meanders, most times with nowhere to go. So this love with no port, it flutters about. Sometimes it burst out through tears, stinging sobs. Other times it makes for a sideways smile when we remember our child. And it always makes us seem just a teeny bit off. Because we are. A little person is missing from our arms. But all the love for them is here, inside us, bubbling away in everything we do."
So here is to making it up each day while we love and celebrate our February baby.
* * * * *
We miscarried in 2012. February would have been the month we welcomed a new addition to our family and celebrated a birthday every year after. this year our baby would have been one. I'm thankful for love - it's not reasonable or rational. it remembers. it is compelling. it is real. and it changed me. I'm beginning to embrace when this love interrupts my day to remember a little life. In those moments, I am overwhelmed with love and joy. happy birthday sweetheart. you are loved.
click here to read talking about the taboo | part 1
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