Yesterday morning, I had an appointment with my cardiologist who manages my dysautonomia (autonomic dysfunction or autonomic nervous disorders). It sucked. Maybe I've been too optimistic or in denial. Either way I was not prepared for what she said.
"I don't know what to do with you."
I've heard those words before. This time she meant it. And this time I felt it.
Me neither. And apparently doing nothing isn't an option (even though I'm half wishing it was). So I'll be going to the Mayo Clinic in the next couple of months.
I am grateful for the expertise that the Mayo Clinic has to offer. Really I am. I recognize how blessed I am to be able to easily go to the Mayo Clinic since I am an established patient from having had surgery there.
BUT...
I don't want to need to go.
I'm dreading this trip more than when I went for open heart surgery.
The Mayo Clinic isn't a new idea. It's something that we've talked about several times but I was never to that point. There was always a medication I could try (remember the 2017 beta-blocker experiment?!) or a lifestyle modification or a specialist to see. We never were out of options.
Not any more.
My health is to that point.
Honestly, I know it's true. My symptoms are not controlled. I am progressively getting worse. It's harder to function. I'm having more flare ups. But life is great. I'm so happy. And maybe that's why this really sucks?!
I've know this was a possibility for a long time. I've know that the horrible "What ifs" would catch up to me and demand my attention. This is a last-ditch effort to triple check that yes I have exhausted all treatment options for managing my dysautonomia and no there isn't anything else to try right now. How comforting right?!
Borderline hopeless.
I hate writing this but this is honestly how I feel. This trip feels like a waste of time and money and energy. I am almost certain of what I'll be told and it's not something I want to hear. I'm not ready to hear it. I'm ugly grieving. I'm processing. My thoughts and emotions are a hot mess right now. I know this will pass, but for right now I am choosing to make space for my thoughts and emotions. I am choosing to be present and mindful. I am trying to find grace and hope. Thanks a lot yoga for not letting me become calloused and indifferent :)
Anyways, I should have more information soon which I'll share. For now I am going to continue on and start researching a new leopard bag... cause this girl is taking a trip!
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